I sometimes curse. I often want to resolve my conflicts with violence (I don’t, but I’d like to). I have been in fights both as a child and as an adult. I have cursed people out if I felt they were disrespecting me. I have watched and enjoyed watching porn and listening to music about sex and violence. I have been drunk and still enjoy a glass of wine or a margarita. I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. I had sex before marriage. I was pregnant at age 15 and again at 19. I was “shackin up” with my boyfriend at age 18.
I thought I would tell you all of the things the enemy often uses to silence me. He tells me, “if they knew who you were and what you did, they would never accept you.” It’s these things that make me doubt the calling I have on my life. I start to think I wasn’t called, but my ego convinced me otherwise. I start to believe God doesn’t want to use me, not with this past and not with my current struggles with attitude, violence, porn, music, and alcohol.
Even though I know I am not like I used to be, I am sometimes convinced that my thoughts, whether I act on them or not, make me undesirable to God.
Unfortunately for the enemy, the Spirit of God that lives in me has opened my eyes so I can see the truth. I have been chosen because God created me with a purpose and none of the mistakes I’ve made nor the things I struggle with are too big for Him to handle.
I realize I don’t need to be perfect or have a perfect past for God to use me. I am called and I have a purpose. How can I be so sure?
I read my bible.
I’ve read about Jacob, Saul, and David. I know all about their sordid pasts and the horrible things they did even after they had been chosen by God. God changed them from Jacob to Israel, from Saul to Paul. And David, while anointed at an early age, still became a murderous adulterer that is known as a man after God’s own heart and the father of the wisest man of the bible.
That tells me that my past doesn’t matter and that I don’t have to be perfect even now as I answer the call on my life. I just have to be willing to go to Him when my flesh fails me and repent. I have to accept His forgiveness and believe He is enough, that He will see His work through to completion. After all, it is His work, the work of the Father.
I will no longer be bound or hide behind a facade that gives the impression I have lived an easy and sinless life. I will not rob God of the glory that is due Him. My life is evidence that God lives, loves, forgives and saves. My guess is, if you take the time to re-examine your life you will see that the grace of God runs rampant!
I wanted to come clean about my past in hopes that you might have the faith to come clean about yours. I will boldly proclaim the word of God as a woman who’s life is still being transformed by Him.
Also, coming clean robs the enemy of one of his favorite strategies…shaming. It also shines light on the work God is doing in your life.