There are so many things you don’t know about me.  Things I haven’t shared about my past, about my secret thoughts and bad habits, addictions. I know if you knew, you might stop reading this blog. You wouldn’t accept me or the message. It wouldn’t matter to you that the message I have to give is not my own. I am only the messenger.

When I started this blog it was because I believed God would bless the work of my hands. I knew I was meant for more. More what? I don’t know, but I knew I was destined to have a better life than the one I had. I knew I was going to do something with my life that would change the way I lived and would give me influence to help impact the lives of others. I would encourage and empower  people to live the life they always knew they were destined to live.

I thought that I would learn how to be successful or experience a certain level of success so that I could teach that to someone else. Then I would be able to write and speak to people with authority.

I was so naive in that belief.

I have changed my thinking in that. At some point, it was revealed to me that I would write a book. I thought my first book would be a self-help book where I would share the strategies I used to turn my own life around. Do you know the problem with that? You have to actually succeed in turning your life around for someone to buy the book. As it were, I am about 14 lbs heavier than I was when I set out to lose weight and I have more debt and worst credit than when I started. I haven’t been successful in changing careers either. All in all, my plan had been a complete and utter failure.

Meanwhile, my prayer life and relationship with God was getting stronger everyday. I suddenly stopped writing (you might recall the hiatus I took) because I no longer wanted to write about how I was changing my own life. I wasn’t changing my own life. I was not inspired to write. Let me be clear here, I started writing initially not because of inspiration, but because someone told me if I wanted to be a motivational speaker I needed to write. That’s what made me start the blog.

My relationship with God and the wisdom He revealed to me was NOT what I wanted to write about. It’s just not what I thought I was supposed to do. I felt like those nuggets of wisdom and lessons were just for me, or for me to share with the people in my life. I didn’t want the blog to become preachy.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have anything else to write about. Not one word or thought about anything I could blog about. I stood at the dock and I had to decided to get on the boat or turn back. Would I write what God inspired me to write or make the decision to not write at all? I knew the choice to write might isolate some of my readers. I discussed it with my creative director and branding specialist, she encouraged me to write. So I did. I got on the boat and continued to write.

I think it’s been a great experience.  I was uncomfortable for little while, but the posts have been so good I can’t deny it was the right choice.

Now it’s been about two weeks since I’ve written anything. (I had so  much to write I was able to schedule posts about two weeks in advance). Those posts have run out and now I, again, have nothing to write about.

I feel this pull again. Like before. I hear God calling me out of the boat and into the water. There is only one problem with that……I can’t swim.  I see no life jacket and I realize I can’t turn back. If I get out of this boat I could drown. Has he called me out in the middle of the ocean so far from my safety nets and the shore I am comfortable with to drown me?

I can’t swim. He’s got me out here in the middle of the ocean; did I mention the storm??

I am overwhelmed in every other area of my life, which has caused me to lose focus on God. This loss of focus leads to self doubt, which leads to depression. I have been in a storm for a few weeks now. Upgraded to a category 5 hurricane today as I lay crying uncontrollably on the couch paralyzed with fear. Fear of what? That I was fooling myself all this time, that my life will never change, and that I am not God’s chosen to do anything for anyone. I couldn’t stop crying. I would get close to standing and would be hit with a reminder that I was in the middle of the ocean in a small boat, no life jacket, and little to no swimming ability.

I can’t swim. I will not survive this storm. I will die here. Death would be better than fear. I know I will die here because I cannot go back. I cannot go back to a time before I believed God would use me in a major way and would bless the work of my hands. I cannot continue living the life I have now either. A life aware of the calling on my life, but unable to answer it. That’s no life.

God spoke to my heart today. I believe all the great people in my life who prayed for me helped me to quiet the storm so I could hear what He was saying.

My heart said, “I am so afraid, the water is too deep, the wind is so strong, and you haven’t taught me how to swim.”

My Lord answered,  “I know. I never planned to teach you how to swim because with faith in My power and My strength you will walk on water.”

How amazing (and a little scary) to be standing here…in the middle of the ocean…on the water. I will keep my eyes on God and will follow Him where my feet my fail, but my God will not!



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