You ever mess up? No, I mean really mess up? Not the, “I didn’t let Tina go ahead of me at the copier when she only had 1 copy to make and I had 1000.” I mean the “I’ve been delivered from the sin of [fill in the blank with your sin of choice] and I will never go back to……oops I did it again.”
Well, maybe you haven’t, but I certainly have. I thought I had been delivered from the sin of anger. I really believed I was a changed women; turns out I was wrong.
My default emotion is anger. It doesn’t really matter what someone does or says to me the first emotion on the scene is anger with sirens and lights ablazin’. It wasn’t until recently I started looking beyond the anger to get to the root of it. I realize many of the instances where I became angry was a result of my being hurt. I started saying things like, “I’m not really angry my feelings are hurt.” This allowed me to respond to the hurt in a more appropriate and less aggressive manner.
Yesterday, my husband did something that hurt me. I was furious. Now, his infraction was nothing major, just good ole fashion lack of consideration. I tried to communicate my feelings, but he was not very receptive. His unemotional response to my emotional breakdown sent me over the edge!!!!
“HOW DARE HE NOT RESPOND THE WAY I THINK HE SHOULD!!! OH, NO HE DIDN’T!!!
I responded in such an ugly, aggressive, confrontational, disrespectful and volatile way! He looked shocked.
Did I mention this was at 5 in the morning that I needed to, absolutely had to have this talk?! He had been up all night visiting with his parents and would be leaving to go on the road later that day and I should have been kissing him goodbye and leaving for work. I guess I left that part out.
I couldn’t and didn’t want to see his point of view because I was pissed and I was OBVIOUSLY the victim in this situation and was pushed passed my breaking point!! Completely justified!!!
Uh…..only in Bizzaro World.
I really did it this time. Even if he was wrong or could have been more considerate my response was so far from right it was left.
“Can I add a side of worthlessness to that guilty & shame combo please, oh yeah add a bit of pity I’ll be having a party later.”
Meanwhile back at the ranch, the man I love and respect will be leaving for another 5-7 week stint on the road I am overcome with feelings of guilt, shame, sadness and depression.
I managed to ruin the last 4 days with a 30 minute full-blown-adult-mean-girl temper tantrum. Wow!
It’s clear to me I have not changed at all. I am the same Courage I was growing up, the same woman I was before I came to know Christ. I am ready to throw in the towel on my marriage (he deserves better) and my ministry (God would never use somebody like me).
OH BUT GOD….
There was a prompting in my Spirit, something tell me to hold on to God, to confess my sins to God, repent and ask for forgiveness from both my Savior and my husband.
I did, but guess what? The order I placed, you know…the combo? It had already been delivered.
OH BUT GOD….led me to these verses :
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and Just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 32: 5 I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
Do you know what that means? I can send that combo back to Hell where it came from. I no longer have to live in the guilt and shame of my mistake. I am sincere in my repentance and my heart’s desire is to be a “suitable helper” to my husband as is the perfect will of God.
It appears my Father in Heaven has already prepared a combo for me.
I’ll take His forgiveness wrapped in mercy, I’ll be made clean from all my unrighteousness through his grace.
Thank you God!
Now it’s your turn, so what are you ordering today?